Toothless Juice Bar Owner Shows Hollywood Stars How to Drink Dust

It recently came to our attention, from an article by Victoria Dawson Huff published in Elle, that Amanda Chantal Bacon (yes, real last name), owner of the health store Moon Juice in Los Angeles, consumes Brain Dust and ho shou wu on a regular basis, follows a strict breathing regime, and regularly takes snack breaks worth upwards of $60—all in the name of health and vitality, of course. Following is our translation of her account:

“I usually wake up at 6:30am, and start with some Kundalini meditation and a 23-minute breath set [Editor’s note: 23 is the ninth prime number, the amount of time Gwyneth Paltrow’s automated sprinkler system stays on every day, the sum of Gwyn’s daily pilates reps divided by the number of raw almonds she eats daily (6 1/2), and the number of characters in her daughter’s name (Apple Blythe Alison Martin). It is a sacred number.] —along with a copper cup [ED: Her golden chalice was in the dishwasher.] of silver needle [ED: Not as pointy as it sounds.] and calendula tea—before my son Rohan wakes.”

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“At 8am, I had a warm, morning chi drink [ED: Not to be confused with the Greek letter, midwest city, river in Thailand, or 1950s tiki drink that is more delicious (and more fun).] on my way to the school drop off, drunk in the car! It contains more than 25 grams of plant protein, thanks to vanilla mushroom protein [ED: ??????] and stone ground almond butter, and also has the super endocrine, brain, immunity, and libido- boosting powers of Brain Dust [ED: Not to be confused with the Mad Cow Disease symptom, brain disintegration. Brain Dust (the good kind) costs $55 per 2 ounces, contains “medicinal grade” stevia and gingko and is available at www.moonjuiceshop.com.], cordyceps, reishi, maca, and Shilajit resin [ED: Please forgive the article’s brief lapse out of legibility.]. I throw ho shou wu [ED: A Chinese herb that supports an abundant sperm count] and pearl in as part of my beauty regime. I chase it with three quinton shots for mineralization and two lipospheric vitamin B-complex packets for energy [ED: WTF].”

“At 9:30am, I drink 16 ounces of unsweetened, strong green juice, which is my alkalizer, hydrator, energizer, source of protein and calcium, and overall mood balancer. It’s also my easy, ‘lazy,’ and delicious skin regime [ED: She is so lazy.]. I also take three tablespoons of bee pollen [ED: We actually know what this is!!]. I love Moon Juice’s soft and chewy bee pollen—it’s a creamy, candy-like treat [ED: Bee pollen is extremely similar in makeup to Twizzlers, Junior Mints, and Reese’s Pieces.] that gives me my daily B-vitamin blast [ED: sic], and also helps feed my skin and aids hormone production. I’ll also grab a handful of activated cashews [ED: Activated cashews wake up at 6:30am, do a 23-minute breath set, and avoid “bad” fats.]. I try to get these in every day for their brain chemistry magic. I chase this with a shot of pressed turmeric root in freshly squeezed grapefruit juice.”

“For lunch, I had zucchini ribbons with basil, pine nuts, sun-cured olives, and lemon, with green tea on the side. This is such an easy, elegant, and light meal. I made this while on a phone meeting before heading out for the rest of the work day. I often alternate this with my other lunch staple: a nori roll with umeboshi paste, avocado, cultured sea vegetables, and pea sprouts. This is my version of a taco, and it’s insanely delicious [ED: This is not a taco.]. These ingredients are all pantry staples [ED: You’ll find them in most American pantries between the bee pollen, lipospheric vitamin B-complex packets, Brain Dust, and ho shou wu.], so I eat some version of this everyday. It’s probiotic-rich with the cultured veggies, and deeply mineralizing [ED: Mineralize (v): “To impregnate (water or another liquid) with a mineral substance.” — Merriam-Webster Dictionary] thanks to the sea vegetables, and the avocado nourishes the brain and hormones. It’s awesomely satiating and takes 45 seconds to compile. I usually make this while standing, working with someone, simultaneously emailing and definitely texting [ED: Living in the moment is an essential part of being a fully mineralized, adequately alkalized human being]. I know the right answer would be to sit down and take 10 minutes to eat, but that doesn’t happen for lunch, ever.”

“If I’m home around 3pm, I always reach for coconut yogurt with cardamom, dried figs, walnuts, and apricots from a weekend farm visit [ED: If you haven’t visited a farm this weekend, you may as well eat sidewalk dirt because that’s what your snack is worth.]—and a chunk of raw dark chocolate. I ferment big batches of coconut yogurt and make big batches of raw chocolate spiked with maca and any other medicinal herb I’m focusing on. It’s easy to do, and makes for potent, fast snack food throughout the month.”

“Today I also called into Moon Juice and got some ‘drive through.’ Work doesn’t keep me in the shop like it used to. Sadly I’m always on the go and running late, so I usually call in a mid-workday curbside pick-up. I grabbed a mint chip hemp milk [ED: $12] with double servings of maca [ED: $4 each] and sprouted brown rice protein [ED: $30 per jar; “Combats puffiness.”], sweetened with stevia, as well as two Goodness Greens juices [ED: $9 each]. [ED: $68 total, for snacktime.]“

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“I had an early, pre-yoga dinner [ED: What other kind is there?] at Shima in Abbot Kinney, which is my 3-year-old’s favorite restaurant [ED: Props to commenter Jason Maddux who pointed out that Rohan definitely prefers Chuck E. Cheese.]. I had a seaweed salad with micro cilantro and daikon, and a delicate broth [ED: Not to be confused with stock.] of mushrooms and herbs.”

“From 7 to 9pm, I went to my Kundalini yoga class at Rama Yoga in Venice, with my go-to teacher, Harijiwan [ED: Licks Moon Beams was demoted as the go-to after Amanda’s guru spotted his car in the McDonald’s drive-through line.].”

“My son and I make a batch of almond milk and vanilla chia pudding for the next morning at bedtime. We like to have cups of it before it’s totally done, when it’s more like chia milk [ED: Rohan prefers to eat his while fondly remembering the McFlurry he licked once].”

“At 11pm, I had a nightcap of heart tonic and raw chocolate made from one of my big batches—this one was made with our Moon Pantry heirloom raw cacao, reishi and Chaga mushroom, sprouted brown rice protein, and coconut oil [ED: Contains .2% chocolate] . I love chocolate—and on some evenings, I don’t want to deny the indulgence—so I’ve devised a million low glycemic recipes. [ED: 11:30pm: Cry into lavender moon beam-scented organic hemp pillow.]“

The original, unannotated article was published by Elle, as told to Victoria Dawson Hoff.